Choosing to be Happy or Toxic Positivity?

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The self-help community talks a lot about being positive and using positive perspectives and perceptions to manifest. The books, tapes, and lectures all go over how your feelings can be changed to change your experience in any given situation.

But what if no matter what you do, you can't think positively? What if you are a totally connected person most of the time, but today you just can't see the good in the world? Is something wrong with you? Do you have a block? Are you losing your enlightenment? No, of course not. The human experience is designed to be a range of experiences. The good, the bad, the hard, the easy, all wrapped up into one giant box called life.

You can't always choose to be happy about where you are or the situation you are in. It may not even be appropriate to be happy at that moment and if you force it, you will give a false “yes” to the thing that is manifesting. If you were in a hurricane right now, would you be able to just choose your way to happiness? If you are in a part of the world that is experiencing inhumane acts of violence, would you just choose to be happy? Nope! That is ridiculous.

Sending out a false “yes” when you mean “no”

Me as a tired mom of a newborn, putting on a happy face.

By forcing a positive perspective on something you could potentially be holding it in place longer than is good for you. You might be holding the energy in stagnation by avoiding conflict and feelings. By ignoring your true feelings and not letting them flow, you might just be showing those around you, that you are okay with what is occurring, when in fact you are not.

Therefore the people around you might keep doing what they are doing to help keep in place the very thing you don’t like. They might not know you have unmet needs and think everything is perfectly fine, when it isn’t.

Letting it Flow

The key to all of this is that you choose to be happy when it makes sense and you allow other emotions to take over when they make more sense. It is also important for you keep things in perspective and ask yourself when you are having thoughts and feelings that are negative “is this true and is it helpful?” If you are having feelings that are bigger than are called for, you might want to check in and see why that is happening, meet your own needs and then consider a shift.

Common Scenarios to Shift

Here is an example of shifting. If you are on vacation and things seem to keep going wrong - your luggage is lost, your flight is delayed, you are tired and hungry and all there is to eat is crappy airport food. In this situation, you can choose to be happy, but you might have to acknowledge that your expectations aren’t being met and it is making you feel a certain way. But, you are on vacation!! You may not be doing what you want, but you are safe, you are sheltered and you have the potential to be somewhere great soon. So make the best of it and go explore the airport.

Let's say you are being judged by someone else for something they think you did wrong. You try to apologize and explain yourself but all this person wants to do is make you feel like crap. Time to choose happiness? Not in my opinion. Time to feel your feelings, set boundaries and remove yourself as fast as you can. Then, after you are removed from this toxic situation, choose happiness.

Your negative emotions are not meant to be suppressed, they are a guide, telling you what is going on. Listen to them, weigh your options, and then choose a route that leads you back to happiness.

How can you tell what’s what?

How do you tell which experience is a ‘choose happiness’ experience or a ‘feel the negative’ experience? You just need to spend some time asking yourself this. You will know. Does it help me to feel negative right now? Is there something else I am being called to do? Can I change things? Is there a call to change things or should I just wait? Finally, is it true and useful?

Choose happiness when you can but also pay attention to those negative emotions.

Letting other’s have their feelings

A final not on this topic is, although it might be uncomfortable at times, the most beautiful gift you can give their loved ones is to hold space for their emotions. Encourage them to feel their authentic feelings, release the ones that are no longer serving them and embrace the ones that are.

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